Nice guys always seem to finish last. Or do they?
I’ll tell you one thing – women LOVE nice guys. Who doesn’t like being treated well?
What women DON’T love is people-pleasers, guys that don’t prioritize themselves, and guys that bend over backwards to cater to their whims and needs.
So who’s really finishing last?
The terms “nice” and “people-pleaser” have taken on a curious definition and connotation in the past few years, and yes it’s been mostly negative. Part of the reason that it’s negative is because when we see someone put other people’s values and priorities above their own, it immediately lowers their value in a subconscious manner.
Don’t they have better things to be doing? Aren’t we all turned off a little bit when someone blows up our phone wanting to hang out or get together constantly?
The second and more important reason that the “nice” and “people-pleaser” label has taken a hit is because I believe instinctually, we know that people act that way because of insecurities of all flavors.
On a more general level, people are nice and seek to please because they are more interested in the approval of others than their own priorities.
On the dating level, people are nice and seek to please because they want to ensure that the women they are dating have no reason to leave… so they take the angle of attempting to fulfill their every desire in an attempt to keep them. Well, that’s not a relationship, that’s just appeasement. And it’s no wonder that women aren’t attracted to it!
When someone is dependent on you, you lose your own independence regardless of whether its mutual or not. Suddenly you’re wracked with feelings of obligation and guilt as opposed to attraction and respect… which aren’t the reasons that you want someone to be spending time with you.
Oh, what are other traits of a nice guy or a people-pleaser? They don’t often speak their mind because they don’t want to rock the boat, they are sometimes too deferential, and they are not assertive. Doesn’t sound like a laundry list of traits that women often say that they go after!
The biggest piece of advice I can give, and one that I dole out quite frequently, is this: when you’re engaged, you become engaging. Go forth!