Suppose you have two friends, Angela and Ben, who have split up after being together for 10 months. They are equally attractive, and everyone remarked that they “looked good together.”
Now fast forward to 2 months post-breakup. How do Angela and Ben’s lives differ at this point?
Ben works hard in the gym to regain his mojo and turns his attention to his hobbies he once enjoyed solo. He’s looking forward to meeting new girls, and finally worked up the nerve to ask that cute barista for her phone number. He might have gone on 1-2 dates in the past two months.
By contrast, Angela goes on dates almost right away, and could get away with not having to grocery shop if she wanted – dinner dates are aplenty. Many of her so-called male friends have shown interest and hinted towards dates, and a couple have outright asked her out.
Regardless of whether Angela wants to do this, Angela’s opportunity to do so illustrates the massive imbalance of how different the dating world is to men and women.
We all swim in the same pool, but women are drowning while men are on the verge of dehydration.
As a result of a variety of societal expectations on the masculine alpha male, men feel pressure to take charge of courtship and pursuit. There’s no problem with this by itself, but there are many unintended effects on dating dynamics.
Namely, because men are expected to be the aggressors, many women are enabled to only passively participate in dating – and it’s completely understandable.
Multiple men are often jostling for position with the same women; now you begin to understand why I use the term “gender economy” and reference supply and demand.
Men must act aggressively to see any daylight in the dating game, while women are more passive because their problem is curation and making sense of everything in front of them.
This is best illustrated in the context of online dating, where it’s easy to actually quantify the difference. Take Angela and Ben again. If you put them both on a dating site, Angela would likely get anywhere from 10-25 messages a day, while Ben would only get replies from 3-5/10 messages he sends out!
So most of how men and women act differently within the context of dating can pretty much be explained by the skewed gender imbalance. If women are in such high demand and men are competing with each other and not able to date as much as they want…
Again, let’s look through the spectrum of online dating.
Men: Why is my reply rate so low? Because of the gender ratio imbalance. She has too many messages to reply to.
Men: Why does she have nothing in her profile? Because of the gender ratio imbalance. She gets messages regardless of her profile completion.
Men: Why does she not even have the courtesy to reply to my message saying no thanks? Because of the gender ratio imbalance. She has too many messages to reply to.
Women: Why am I getting so many short, or copy and paste messages? Because of the gender ratio imbalance. Because guys don’t get many replies in general, so they learn that it is a waste of time to craft thoughtful messages and instead shoot for efficiency and the numbers game.
Women: Why do guys want to meet up so quickly? Because…. Well, you get it.
All of these tracks of thought are easily transferred to normal dating. Men are spread thin and are aware that it’s super competitive, so they often spend as little time as needed to interact with as many women as possible, which sometimes is the best gambit for them. It’s truly a numbers game.
Women are so overwhelmed with attention and potential dates that they don’t have the time to reply to everyone – their issue is curation.
How someone reacts to you is not necessarily a reflection of their opinion on you, and might simply be tied to the skewed dating economy.
This is all very educational, but what can we do with this knowledge?
A couple of things.
First, we have to make sure that our first impressions with women really count, or else we’ll get lost in the ocean.
Online and more so in real life, we are taken at face value, and instantly put into three distinct buckets – yes, no, and probably not but maybe.
It’s reality that we don’t get second chances to make first impressions, and if yours isn’t favorable, you’ll instantly be exiled to the latter two buckets. We live in a world of snap judgments, so make sure that your snapshot – physically, mannerisms, body language, eye contact, wardrobe, and grooming – are all something that you can hang your hat on. We’re not in junior high anymore; it’s okay to try a little bit now.
Second, if we know that women are approached constantly in less than savory ways, break the mold by coming at them from a perspective of genuineness, honesty, and vulnerability. It’s the anti-shotgun approach; be the opposite of the real life equivalent of a copy-paste message.
Treat her like a human being and show a real interest in her as a whole person. Make it clear that you want a deeper connection, and drive the conversation that way. Make it a goal to simply learn about her. Icebreak on a mutual interest, and don’t just ask her to see a movie at your place for a first date.
Here’s the secret about the skewed gender economy – a little bit of effort puts you hugely above the chaff. Combine a bulletproof first impression with a genuine interest and you’ll find odds much more favorable to you.
Originally posted at Simple Pickup