From our youth, we’ve heard that communication is the bedrock and foundation upon which any healthy relationship is built. Nothing else even comes close, not even that 21-year old yoga instructor that is “up for anything.”
Significant others fill a myriad of roles, most of which are characterized by the ability to openly and honestly communicate. Best friend? Check. Biggest cheerleader and supporter? Check. Confidant? Check. Lover? Check and double check.
Nothing new here, right?
Except the problem is that for how much communication is rightfully emphasized, we’re never taught exactly how to foster and nurture such a relationship with the most important people in our lives. It’s a shame that in this instance, common sense is typically anything but.
3 of my top communication tips to increase the emotional intimacy
Therefore, I bring you 3 of my top communications tips to increase the emotional intimacy with the woman in your life, and prevent conflict before it even starts. These may appear subtle and perhaps maybe even miniscule, but here’s a reminder you probably get on a daily basis… women will pick up on more things (and read into them) than you or I ever would!
1. Create a safe space for her vulnerability.
If you or your partner can’t feel safe being truly vulnerable and sharing with each other, in what way can you consider your relationship strong? The moment that either party feels uncomfortable with sharing is the moment that miscommunications arise and the relationship is weakened.
Realize the following about yourself as a male: you have been conditioned to suppress vulnerability and emotional displays for your whole life. How many times have you been told to just “man up?” Women on the other hand have been conditioned to suppress their sexual urges… but that’s another story.
My point is that men often have mental blocks about allowing, receiving, and giving emotional intimacy and vulnerability… which makes it sometimes difficult for us to appreciate when our partners truly open up to us. It’s damned scary opening yourself up to someone completely, so be aware of what it means to her and how much courage it takes.
Create that safe space for her to open up by refusing judgment and celebrating her openness. Hopefully you learn to follow suit soon as well.
2. Don’t criticize her actions, just the consequences thereof.
Criticism in your daily life can serve many purposes. At work, for example, to improve your co-workers job performance.
But when you criticize your partner in the context of your relationship, it must serve one purpose only – improvement. If we can strip away the emotionally charged nature that some criticism can take, we realize that all we want to accomplish with criticism is to bring matters to her attention and hopefully resolve them amicably.
So let your criticism focus on how her actions make you feel instead of the actions themselves. This seems subtle, but is powerful for the following reasons.
First, if you attack her actions, it instantly puts her on the defensive, which is typically counterproductive. Second, addressing the consequences frames it as less of a conflict and more of an issue you can tackle together. Third, it is dangerous to attack her actions because you might unintentionally be depriving her of something she values highly, which can cause resentment. Finally, addressing the negative consequences will make your woman want to change for your sake, which is a far stronger motivator than saying you don’t like her spending habits.
3. “No” is dangerous.
Any productive conversation, especially an argument, needs to be able to flow without being sidetracked or stopped cold in its tracks.
And the quickest way to kill the productive nature of any argument with your partner is to lead with “no.” Denying what she says is true, telling her that she’s crazy, or dismissing her completely.
What happened the last time she did this to you? It likely outraged you that she would dare to be so unreasonable, and tends to set off emotional spikes when we feel that we’re not being heard at all. So why would you do this to your partner?
The solution here is relatively simple – don’t lead with any variation of “no.” Recognize the courage that it took for her to bring up a concern at all, and impose a no interruptions rule to ensure that she feels that she is being validly heard and not just gaslit or dismissed. This also builds upon the safe space that you are creating for your relationship because she now knows she can truly bring anything up to you.